As singers there is a lot we can learn from President Trump. Like him or not, he has done rather well for himself. If you'd like to enjoy that kind of success in your career why not take a leaf out of his book?
Get a bad review? It’s not your fault.
Had a bad review recently? Sad! Fake news outlets have always been against the smartest and best looking singers (like us) so we have to fight back. Every time I get a bad review I remind my fans not to read these fake news stories. They’re clueless and probably written by women who are upset because I’ve never slept with them.
If the competition seems to be doing better than you, just make some stuff up about them. It doesn’t matter how outrageous it is just go for it. It doesn’t even matter if it’s demonstrably untrue, no one will really care. You’ll give “another side to the story” and confuse people. They’ll say “there’s no smoke without fire” and if you shout louder than anyone else, with any luck they’ll just agree. Bypass the fake media with Twitter, it's great if you don't know many long words.
Audience numbers low? Exaggerate.
We’ve all had low turn outs to our shows. Except me. Mine always sell out. There’s no way another crooner is going to look more popular on his opening night than me, so here’s how I do it: I get all my friends to come along and shout really loud. If that doesn’t do the trick I just tell everyone it was a sell out. It’s that easy. If anyone shows photographs of empty seats I just say the photos are fake and more evidence of fake news and their secret agenda to make Michael Bublé Emperor.
Build a wall.
Worried about shifty people coming from foreign lands and stealing your work? Just build a wall and stop them coming in! There’s plenty of work in London but I still want more of it for myself so I’ve decided to build a wall to stop other musicians coming in (unless I’ve approved them first). The best part is, I’ll make them pay for it themselves. I’m still working on the details but it’ll be great.
If all else fails fire your agent, your manager or your publicist. It doesn’t matter which. But be sure to record all conversions with them first, or say you have. Just in case they go to the fake media and complain. Remember, manners are for wimps.
Get a grip.
A firm handshake says a lot about a man. If you do it right your new friend will instantly know you’re the boss and they should do everything you say. Next time you see your pianist grip his hand as tightly as you can. Squeeze hard and then vigorously shake it like you’re trying to start an outboard motor. Keep going till he’s crying. He might not be able to play for a week but he’ll know who’s boss!