Guaranteed sex, easy money and free chocolate for you.

Junk mail used to mean a seven day trail of The Reader's Digest Guide To Indoor Plants. These days you're more likely to find offers of penis enlargement clogging up your inbox. If you're not online wading through unsolicited emails from bogus banks and opportunists, research shows there's a pretty good chance you'll be trawling for porn. Yes, you. Apparently 150 million people visit online adult sites every day. That's a lot of filth.

All of this came to mind the other day when I looked over the visitor stats for my own website. I can see which pages are the most popular, the countries my readers live in, the software they're using and how long they spent reading each page.

There's a lot of information on my site including a useful guide to musical arrangements, video clips and funny articles about Simon Cowell and ice cream. So which do you suppose is the most visited page on my site? It's the one called “At last, An Indian Massage With A Happy Ending”. The stats also tell me people find this page by asking Google for “indian massage happy ending sexy”.

I've got Cole Porter lyrics and travel guides to some of the world's greatest cities, but it seems most people just want curry and a wank.

My new readers, will, I suspect, be disappointed. There's no advice on personal gratification, only a funny story about a dodgy massage and a prawn farm.

Hence the rather catching title to this article. Whether it's email, snail mail or a pop-up, all advertisements are brimming with trigger words that stimulate a positive reaction from the reader. Words like 'guarantee', 'you', 'free', 'bulletproof', 'save', 'fast', 'imagine' and of course 'sex'. So an advert that promises 'Guaranteed free chocolate for you' or more likely to get noticed than 'A good chance of reasonably priced chocolate for a friend'.

If you are reading this article expecting sex, money or chocolate, I am sorry to disappoint you. If you're looking for a 'special' massage in Mumbai, click here. It might not be exactly what you're looking for, but it should put a smile on your face.